| Two shakes, step back, and zip up. |
[Nov. 5th, 2005|08:17 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cynical | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Down with the sickness | ] |
Well my life is completely different then what it was, I am now in Sacramento, California, and I lost my job, my house, my woman, and a large piece of who I had become. Life is a bitch and you learn just how fucked people can be.
Alyssa, once the love of my life, my meat and potatoes and the reason why I kept waking up... felt that out relationship was becoming stagnant, not going anywhere and all that, never communicated this with me, she just found someone else who interested her more and left me for another man. She left me with large bills, and everything else she did not wish to take responsibility for, her farretsm her dog(s) and a very destroyed mobile home when it comes to how clean it was before and after she moved. Now to clarify, had it not been for Alyssa, I would have never bought the mobile home, nor would I have had as much money being spent every month fortifying the dream, that had died months before, but with no choices on as how to relive myself of such responsibilities.
I still wish Alyssa the best, I just pray that she grows up and fully learns how to be self accountable and responsible among that awareness of self accountability. I would NEVER get back with her, nomatter how much I want her back. And I will never fully be able to let go of my anger towards her. She hurt me pretty bad, and through much reflection, I know she knew what she was doing when she did it. And I believe alot of it wa set up from the start when she talked on the phone with Walter for over 2000 minutes halfway before the month was even over before he got here. Alyssa's priority, and ONLY concern is herself. Anything she does that seems helpful to others is still strictly for her own self gratitude, and nothing more, its not out of some sincere humanely driven compulsion to be helpful, but to make herself feel bettr, or to show off to others just how well she is doing.
Enough of that. As I said I am Sacramento now. My friend Steve is giving me a place to stay and is going to assist me in getting back onto my own two feet again. And I am grateful, Steve is a great guy and has come along way since the first time we had met. Friends helping friends right?
Needless to say though I am a jaded, angry man right now, and except to a few people, I am going to be an asshole, because it seems only the assholes go anywhere in life. I am not going to be the kind gentle caring person to everybody like I used to be, as far as I am concerned if I dont know you, or if there is no special bonds between the two of us, then you need to step off and back the fuck away and mind your business.
Life is a harsh teacher, and one thing I learned from Lys, moreso confirmed from Lys but previously learned and not applied, is that love is fake, it doesnt exist, but is a just a dream we all have that comes true for very few select people, the rest of us , the unortunate just go through our lived being fucked over by everyone we try to make a united path with in which we walk in life. So, I am going to guard my heart, shut if away from everyone, it is fragile, weak, and filling with a void of hatred. It will only know love for family now. I am nolonger going to be deceived by the false pretenses that I can ever find happines in another woman, that I can be made whole by haring my life with another.
My mortality ends with me, no great legacies to speak of or tpo pass down to another. My on will carry on my name, and be the only evidence of the love I had felt in the past for another. Never again will I walk that path that leads down to such a utopian field that seems so alive , offers so much joy, a feeling that only ends up being replaced by such pain, agony, and heartache, you see such a field exists, where happiness is available, but like any plants those fields die, and leave barren ground. And these fields are aniseptic, and anestethic to the brain..... as you forget to shield your heart, and your soul from the upcoming fall, when the field and plants die, and that euphoria, which you had become addicted to, is gone, and then the heartache, the withdrawal if you will sits in.
That ladies and gentlemen is what love is, and I dont want no part in it anymore. I dont want my heart broken, I dont want my soul destroyed a little more after every chance I take. You know when you were a little child somewhere between 3 and 8 years old, and you see the hot stove burner, but not yet comprehend the danger of the heat, and you reach out and tough that burner, and in pain and anguish you cry out now as your fingertips were burned.... well generally speaking and statitically based, we never purposely ever touch that hot burner ever again. Yet, I like a fool have been burned several times now by woman, who are in this analogy, that hot element on the stove, but I keep reaching out and touching it... No more.
Time to be an asshole. Time to be the dickhead. Time to be callous. Time to hut the emotions completely off.
Have a nice day ladies and gentleman, I hope all goes well for you. If I have become a dick to you, then likely you have slighted me in some form or another.... be prepared. |
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| Well its been a while |
[Aug. 24th, 2005|09:15 pm] |
Well, I havent posted in a while, but thats because I havent had a computer for along time so lets go ahead and fill yo in on whats been happening.
Aaran, tragic ending there. She moved to New Hampshire... apparently she didnt see the same bright future I saw. We split paths on a good term, so atleast thats good news.
As for Alyssa, well we do hang out from time to time, however I think that there is still some things I need answered by her, and I think that she is doing rather well, successful in her job, doing well paying her bills. However, I think that she is still learning quite a bit.
I have another blood clot, skippidy doo!!!
Have more vicodin, 15 pills, prolly take me a year to use up. Have to give myself shots of Lovenox in my stomach for the next week and then its back to Coumadin I go.
Well guys i am just not in the mood for this right now so will talk more later. |
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| Depression, aint it a bitch? |
[Jun. 16th, 2005|01:14 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Unforgetable - Nat King Cole | ] |
Well another exciting day in the life of Brian. Well ok, so today sucked. I am stressed out, and my gut hurts from it. I am still single, still alone, and still stupid about being hopeful.
Aaran isnt moving in, I can deal with that. I may lose my place, I can cope with that too. I am not in danger of losing my job, that is a good thing.
But what is driving me crazy right now, is I was supposed to stay the night at Aaran's and so I came home dealt with the dogs, and then went over to Aaran's once her laundry was done, and she wasnt home. I went back around 1 in the morning, she still wasnt home. I cant sleep, and I am very concerned for her, she usually doesnt stay out all night, and even though she has forgotten what time I usually get off, she usually doesnt outright stand me up.
So here are the things running through my head:
Maybe she isnt moving in because she doesnt like me, or perhaps I am smothering her... I dont know.
Maybe she is hurt, in a car accident. If so, I wouldnt know if she is ok. And that scares me..
She was really tired when she was at work today, perhaps she stayed the night at Danny;s and Melissa's. If that is the case then I am ok.
My friends, if any of you read this, understand a few things...
I love Aaran, and she has become the sun that brightens my each and every day. And I wouldn't do anything to ever hurt her, or try to scare her off.
I want her to be happy. I want to be the sunshine that brightens her day in the same way she does for me. I know I can't take the place of the joy and happiness her daughter brings her, nor do I ever want to do that. However I wouldnt mind being a ray of sunshine to her daughter as well.
Aaran I will probably read this to you sometime, so here goes...
Perhaps I want too much, perhaps I have my hopes and dreams set too high regarding you. Maybe I am trying to move things too quickly. If you think so, dont be afraid to tell me to back off a little bit.
As for you staying at the townhouse, instead of moving in with me, I know you feel bad about that, and I hope that isnt what is potentially making you want to avoid me... Yes I wanted you to move in, basically needed you to, however, I am not going to push on your comfort threshhold, nor make you make a decision that is going to make you unhappy. I don't want to sacrifice what we have already and what we potentially have in the future. If these past few days worth of decisions have chased you off, then that is what will destroy me, I am a survivor, I will find solutions to this mobile home. I still have a few options out there.
As far as my thoughts of you and how I feel about you Aaran, if you didnt hear what I wrote above, I do love you, dearly, as a friend, and I patiently await our friendship to grow into something so much more, something beautiful, stable, and something to last our lives. I cant wait to have the opportunity to kiss your lips, to lay next to you and hold you through the night, or to be held by you through the night. I cant wait to wake up next to you, to bring you breakfast in bed, to run bath water for you, to finding new and exciting ways to bring a smile to that beautiful face of yours. I cant wait to be there for you as your confidant and shoulder to cry on when something bad happens, as well as to lift you up when something great happens.
You are the best thing to happen to me since my son was born. You have become the focus of my attention from day to day beyond the necessities of life. I don't think I can foresee myself going a day where I am not a part of your life in some way, and today just seemed like the air between us was a bit stiff, and that felt terrible for me. I dont like the air being stiff or tense between us. So if I did something wrong, tell me what I need to do to make it right, tell me what I can say to correct whatever I may have said wrong.
I want to say so much, but words do not have the ability to describe the feelings my heart feels. I want to express myself to you, and I dont know how to begin to show you what you mean to me. I want to be there to be a father like figure for Summer, and be the knight in shining armor for both of you. I want so very much to be the hero you both dream of. I want to make your days filled with happiness and joy.
I am not going anywhere on you. I want to be around you so often. So, maybe I just want too much, perhaps my dreams and aspirations are not realistic. Perhaps, my own ambitions for a relationship is too much for you. I just need some thoughts from you, some feedback to know where I stand, if I need to back off a bit, then just let me know, you said one of the reasons you want to stay there, is because you enjoy your space. So perhaps that was a hint that I am not giving you any.
I cant believe this but I am actually near tears as I write all this. I dont know how to describe what I feel right now, fear? no... apprehension? no.... but its a wierd ache... in my chest... and it throbs when I think that maybe you dont find me to be the man you want in your life as anything more then as a friend. Yet I know I can deal with just being a friend, as you are a very special person, loving, caring, selfless and giving. You are a wonderful woman, and literally the gir of my dreams. And as close as we have gotten over the last few months, I still feel like I am miles upon miles away, and I am moving toward you as quickly as I can get to you, yet somehow on a conveyor belt that is travelling in the opposite direction.
And I know it is very healthy to move slow, and to make sure the decisions we make are good solid and sound decisions, not made on impulse.
I guess what I am trying to say is this... Please dont turn your back on me, or push me away, unless you want me to go away. All you have to do is ask , and I wont bother you again.... But dont mistake this statement as me giving up on you, as I stated many times to you previously, I will only give up on you when you tell me to.
Aaran, I do love you, and want nothing more in life then to have a life with you. Not a month, not a year, not a decade or half century... but a life... a whole life. I promise you that these words have never been more from the bottom of my heart. I am not Mark, Diego, or any of your past boyfriends who were too stupid to let someone as wonderful as you get away. It is their loss. And maybe I am no special catch. I am 31 broke, and with no real skills in life that would get me far financially. I dont have a mansion on the hill , nor a large bank account to support you with. I am by far not the best looking guy in the world, and not eye candy for you to show off to the world... nor am I a prized possession for my weight, or my wit... But what I do have to give you, I give openly and freely, and thats my heart, and a promise to always be true to you. I would give up everything I own to show you how important you are to me, mind you, I dont have alot to give in the first place.
Perhaps this is too much for you, again, just say so, but I wont spend tomorrow regretting the past for chances I didnt take today. I would rather be sorry for something I have done, then for something that I didnt do. I am willing to gamble for the love that tomorrow may bring based on the decisions I make today... then to hold back, and restrain my heart, and possibly miss up an opportunity for a lifetime of happiness. You are so beautiful, in appearance, but more importantly in spirit, and as a person altogether. You are my sunshine, and my rainbow, after a rainy day. And without you around things seem so dark, and I begin to feel lost. So, now that you know how I feel, and what I think, please, at your liesure, give me feedback, let me know what it is I can do to improve upon how we feel about each other. |
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| Well life is a peach. |
[Jun. 15th, 2005|02:04 am] |
So, things were set for Aaran to move in in a couple more weeks, money is tighyt, but i am making it work because she is moving in, and life will be peachy when she moves in. Today her current landlord and her friend offers to lower her rent to 350 a month. It is an offer she cant refuse... so long story short, She isnt moving in.
Next problem.... I have 256 dollars being garnished out of my paycheck for the next 3 months or so..... because of a hospital bill I didnt pay off when I lived in Greeley and had a blood clot scare. But this garnishment is going to continue for about 3 months so my paychecks... which means I am screwed.
Anyhow, soon I will be on my own, living in the street again... so if you dont see or hear from me you know why. |
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| An Ass I am, or an Ass I am not? That is the question. |
[May. 27th, 2005|04:51 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | please forgive me, Bryan Adams | ] |
Well, I seem to continue to make stupid mistakes. Sorry Aaran, I didnt mean to wake you up to a bad mood. It is never my goal to piss you off, or to do things to aggrivate you. I understand your family is in town for a limited time, and that you want to be able to focus your time with them. And I feel I have been selfish in trying to get to spend some of that time with you. It isnt that I am trying to steal the show, or to take your time away from your family, I understand that they should come first.
I just.... really really like the time I am able to spend with you, and really cherish you as a person. I don't think you were being a bitch, you were defending your time with your family, and retrospect, I can see how my behavior was a bit insensitive to that, and I am sorry that my actions have pushed you to feel like that. I should be staying home and getting it more andmore cleaned up anyhow. That is if you and your daughter are still moving in. I do hope so.
Have you ever felt like something was so right, perfect, and that you are the luckiest person alive for finding that feeling? It is how I feel with you. You are an awesome person. You don't let yourself become dependant on other people, you have a strong sense of responsibility, and you put your daughter first. And there are so many people out there that are the exact opposite. I have and hold a lot of respect for you. You are beautiful, and yet dont have the attitude that most women have when they have that beauty. You are down to earth, realistic and show alot of wisdom beyond your years.
You have a beautiful little girl that adores you, and I tend to envy that. I have a son, who I know loves me, but I dont get a smuch time with him as I would like. But over the last 2 years, I have had alot more opportunities with him, then the rest of his life thus far. Anyhow, Aaran, I am here for you should you need anything, beyond that, I am your friend first and foremost, and that will always be a constant in your life, unless you decide that you dont want it.
I think the world of you, and to think I have caused you aggrivation bothers me, not at you, but at myself, and so I will, as you say it, "Slow my roll". I am sorry if I have been overwhelming or smothering. Anyhow, I do hope you forgive me. I am sure I will be reading this to yuo sometime in the near future. Let me know what you think... and what it is I need to do to make this up to you.
Love always,
Brian. |
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| =D |
[May. 24th, 2005|01:30 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  loved | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Alway - Bon Jovi | ] |
So how is it going my friends? I am doing just grand. Life is good, job is good, love life rocks, and I am making more and more friends. I am in a rather good mood. And I am just floating still.
Aaran is still awesome, and we are just getting that much better then we were the day before and that progress is happening on a day to day basis. Well two nights ago, she listened to the love song CD I made for her and she absolutely loves it. We even snuggled... WOOT!!
I am going to give her all the time in the world she needs but I am ready, and I am scared at the same time. It is all so perfect. It is just... so right. It is like we were meant to be together, and I have never felt that way about anyone. Yes I loved Lys, and I loved Donna, and there are a few others, but Aaran is the first I have ever felt just perfectly matched with.
Aaran, baby, you are so perfect, of course we all have our flaws, but its our flaws that make us who we are as individuals. And trust me, I have many of my own. But know now, I am yours completely, and eternally. Just like it says in that Bon Jovi song " Always " When I die, you will be on my mind. And now for a poem just for you.
When the sun sets in the deep western skies,
And I have the privelege to look into your angelic eyes,
I know that everything will be alright, and that I can live another day,
Because I know you are not going anywhere, and that you will always stay.
When I hear the chirping of birds, and the melody that plays on my ears,
I look forward to all that tomorrow promises, and of our folllwing years.
And how you make me feel when you look at me and that smile lights up your face,
And when you hug me, I know that everything is finally falling into place.
I am yours forever, to have and to hold, to love, until the day I die,
To know that every word I say to you is true, and to know I would never lie.
And that I give myself to you freely, and that unconditional is my love,
And that nothing could come between us, unless it comes from heavan above.
But I know that would never happen, His will is not to take away, but to give,
And you are a central part of my life now, and its a life I happily live.
Everything happens for a reason, and I know that I will never walk away,
Because now that you are in my life, everyday turns out to be a bright new day.
And all of the beauty in life reminds me now of your loving and smiling face,
And I wake up and go to sleep praying, thanking God of his loving grace.
From the song of a blue jay, to the sentiment of a love song well sung,
To the sound of a guitar where the strings are expertly strung.
The way you make me feel, words cannot describe, as words only go so deep,
If I were dreaming, I would never want anyone to wake me from my sleep,
But I think I can say I love you, but not sure it would be wise,
Because I could never survive the look of rejection in your eyes.
But love is something you can control, it is like a storm on a sunny day,
You dont expect it, but once it is here, you cant just push it away.
And perhaps there is a higher force at work, but you wont hear me complain,
But my love is only half like the moon, as it will definitely wax but never wain.
So I hope that you accept me for all that I am, and for all that I am not,
I know that I would surely be blessed if you decide to cast yourself in my lot.
So, let me know when you are ready for me, because my arms are open wide,
And my heart, my mind and soul are all easy to read, from you nothing will I hide.
I pray each night that you feel the way for me that I so strongly feel for you,
And I think we are both done with break ups, and ready for something so new,
To be with the person that is going to cherish the other until the very end,
Someone we know through it all, good or bad, that we are each other's best friend.
Aaran, I can't hide it anymore, I love you, I dont think so anymore, i know,
And I am here for you always, I will be with you no matter whereever you go.
I love you now and forever, and forever will that remain true
I look forward to the future we have together, and the life I will have with you.
I love you.
Love, Brian.
P.S. Hope this poem, which is all true, doesnt scare you away. |
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| Last of Lys |
[May. 22nd, 2005|02:29 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | crappy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | I hate everything about you by Ugly kid Joe | ] |
Well,
Lys is gone, the puppies are gone, the ferrets are gone, now just have to deal with Maya, and Get Lys' shit out of my house, and that will be the last of her. May or may not hang out with her from time to time. Right now, I am more pissed off at her then I have ever been. She wants me to pay the bill for her puppy going to the vet because Walter paid for it, she originally asked me for help, now it is turning into I owe it all. Sorry not paying it all. Especially when Walter owes me rent money, Lys is another story. Especially when I am left with a PoS monitor and she took the 15 inch LCD. Especially when I am left on my own to fend for myself , and have to clean up after her mess.
I love you dearly Lys but the time of using me is over. I am noone's footstool. And you have walked all over me enough now. I am throwing all your stuff away since you have no interest in collecting any more of it. Instead you are interested in just taking things away from me that you have either given me, or I have personally purchased.
As soon as I have the money the locks are going to be changed, you are nolonger in my life, you dont need keys to the doors, and I am going to be changing the lock to the mail box,. Its fine you dont want to return the keys. Its fine you dont want to help clean out the rest of your stuff, I may just sell the valuable stuff and use that money to climb alittle more out of debt.
I am going to give you the 25 dollars I have saved for you, but that is the last dime you are getting from me, you can pay off the rest to Walter, after all Noxxi was your dog. You want to hang out, I will wait before I hold my breathe on that. I am glad you are gone, there is so much I am clearly seeing now. So much that is going better now that I have moved on. And so much more opportunity for me in life. Now that my vision has cleared I can see that I was in a jail of sorts, and probably so were you. But what suprises me is how easily in the end I got over you, how easy it was for me to let go and move on to someone in many many many ways much much better, and I hope you find that person that is much much much better as well. Because I am more motivated now, more active, and much more happy over all. Dont get me wrong, we had alot of great times, and I will always love you.... but you were so bad for me, very bad. And that made me bad for you.
No, I am not a vindictive person, nor am I one to cast stones. So I will leave it at this, for as many complaints that I have against Alyssa, I can also list as many positive things, and for as many bad things I can list, I am sure she can about me too.
Lys, I think you threw our life away, and maybe that is for the better, but I dont like feeling like i was just a play thing until you got bored of me, and I seriously feel that is what I was to you. You dont have any remorse for leaving such a mess here, you dont have any intention of coming over and cleaning, or helping me get the house ready for Aaran and Summer, and I know you dont feel you have any responsibility dfor that, and thats fine, but dont expect me to want to help you out, with Noxxi, or for any other fashion either. Not saying I wont, but what little help I give is going to be limited by how much you are willing to give me assistance. |
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| Sweet emotion |
[May. 19th, 2005|01:07 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crazy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | I believe in Miracles | ] |
Well, I know now, that I have a serious crush on Aaran. I cannot stop thinking about her. I enjoy every moment I get to spend with her and I feel slightly disappointed everytime that time ends. But then I look forward more to the next time I get to spend with her. I often day dream about her and wonder what I can do next to bring a smile to her face. Or to get a hug from her. Everyday I spend time with her the more my heart sings and she is just so wonderful.
But I have to be careful, as I know she likes me, and there is definitely a friendship here, and potential for so much more, yet if I push it. I will probably ruin everything altogether, and I couldn't bare to cause her harm. I am sure she is just as pretty when she cries, but to be the cause for tears to come to her would be earth shattering to me.
But I do believe in miracles and I believe that God works in mysterious ways and I think it is God's hand that has brought us together as friends. And I thank the Lord for blessing me with her as a friend, and I pray that His Will be shown. I think we will do well together and soon, I am going to work towards that relationship. I see enough signs I think that point towards her own desire for it, tonight before she put her daughter to sleep, she had her give me a kiss goodnight. Shocked the heck out of me but delighted. Her daughter is a very awesome little girl. Fussy but awesome.
So here are my plans... if things seem to point that way....
Her birthday is September 5th, and I am going to talk her into taking the day off, as well as myself. if not then the next available day she has off. I am going to buy quite a few gift certificates between now and then... one being to like a 3 hour long day spa or so, where she will be treated to the works, then have her go to a nice store to pick up a nice but not horribly expensive dress, and the rest of the places will be like Starbucks, bath and body works, a hair salon, and I dont know whatt else yet. But the scavenger hunt will end up with us meeting at a nice restaurant, to have dinner. At dinner I am going to ask her to b my girlfriend exclusively, and of course I will wait till dinner is over.
But what will I say if she says no? What will I do? I think that would crush me. I guess that is a bridge I will have to cross when I get to it. But if she says yes.... wow... I will know that God truly favors me.
Anyhow enough for now, good night all. |
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| Lies from the tablecloth |
[May. 16th, 2005|01:50 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | hopeful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Sleeping with an angel- Real Mccoy | ] |
Well now,
Another day and another dollar.
Strange, now that Lys and I are not together I have money in hte bank from last payday on my new payday. I guess that says something. Lys got a job, a good paying one, so I am very happy with that. Because now she may be able to build up some self esteem in the fact she has a well paying job and doesnt have to rely on others.
But I am pissed off at her, She left a huge mess and now that she has everything she really wants out of my house she has left the rest of her crap for me to clean up and she left me with her dogs andher ferrets. And somehow its now my responsibility to deal with. The house is trashed the last of their cooking they did is now growing mold.
I have two people moving in in a little over 2 weeks to a month. And I have alot of work that I now have to do alone. Nice.
And I mull things over and I realize more everyday that Lys and I never really worked out. It was destined to fail from day one. I just hope that Lys can move onto another relationship and offer more to her next beau.
Now done with the negative stuff.
Aaran is still beautiful, though very self conscious. No need to be, 5'9, 126 pound angel that is bautiful as all get out and a wonderful daughter, though often grouchy, she is not immune to my charms =P.
I really think Aaran is the one for me, and I don't know why, but she just feels right. She gives me these warm heartfelt hugs that say alot about how she feels about me. And she has admitted that i make her happy and that I mean the world to her. I think that when the time is right and she is ready we are going to make an awesome team.
Heh though she fell asleep on me again. We had plans for me to stop by again tonight, but when I got there she was asleep. I was there about a quarter to 11:00. But its all good, she and I should have some time apart too. They say that makes the time together more special.
I get my son from July 17th till July 27th. Cant get all that time off work, but hey, I do have some normal days off during that time, and I can take two more days off
I will hav 5 days off total during the 11 days I will have him for, will be wierd not working the overtime.
Once Aaran confessed to me that she has never been made love to, basically it has always been more of a guy doing his deed to get himself off. Well if we ever get that intimate, I am going to make sure she doesnt see my actions the same, I will let her know what lovemaing is supposed to be like.
I guess that is looking to far forward huh?
Anyhow, the time I get to spend with her is special and I cherish every second of it. I just hope it does grow into something more beautiful like I know it would.
Something inside just tells me she is faithful, and open and honest, no secrets, no spite, no vindictiveness. Like me, I dont think once we commit to each other that we would ever leave each other, just cant see it happening. |
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| rolling through the motions |
[May. 14th, 2005|02:22 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | busy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | holiday-green day | ] |
Well another good day went by, spent the entire day with Aaran, even sat by her at work since we both did the same time period for OT today.
Went to meet Lys at Walmart... called her from right outside of the bank in front of walmart, she wasnt there. Waied in front of the bank for 10 minutes, then walked around walmart, then came back to bank, Lys still wasnt there. My phone was dead, and Aaran's was dying when I called her.
So 25 minutes after coming back, we went to pick up her daughter, thankfully her baby sitter had a motorola charger and so I was able to charge my phone. We went and grabbed a bite to eat, came back, turned phone on, and had a message from Alyssa that supposedly the whole time we were at Walmart, she was sitting in front of the bank... which frankly is bullshit, she may have netered after we started to walk around... and left before we were done walking around... but had she listened to my message she would have done what I said, and paged me.
So now she thinks I am trying to flke on giving her the 25.00 I made by selling Noxi, Snoopy and the kennel for the two. Oh well. I still have her money, it is not going anywhere. I suppos she can come visit me at my house for it or meet me outside of work for it.
Beyond all that, life is good. Though Aaran is being badgered by a man at work that is probably about 8-10 years older then me, and I am 5 years older then Aaran. He heard she is single again and is being very pushy about trying to get into a relationship with her, and she is getting rather stressed out about it. She isnt ready for a full on relationship, her and I are friends right now, but we are close, and getting closer in our friendship seemingly every day.
I know better then to try and push a relationship to happen. and I am willing to wait as long as it takes to have Aaran want me to be the man in her life, and if that doesnt happen, I can cope with that, she is a beautiful person and I am just blessed with the friendship we have. But I wont lie and say I dont want more then that.
Anyhow, kind of mad at Alyssa for dumping everything she doesnt want on me, and I am more disturbed that she has again made a decision on her own that it is me that has to deal with the ferrets.
Anyhow.... I ned sleep goodnight all, sleep well and see ya on the flip side. |
|
|
| Slowly the world comes together |
[May. 11th, 2005|02:56 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | flirty | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Lady in Red - Chris deburgh | ] |
Well I got rid of Snoopy and Noxxi, two of Alyssa's Pit Bulls. One of the guys who works at the cafe in tmobile Ryan took them. I will miss them, but he has promised that I can come visit them.
I am really digging Aaran and her daughter. She is very pretty, and she is very intelligent and very wise in her ways. And I really want to know everything about her. What her favorite color is, her favorite food. Her favorite music.
Aaran, the time I get to spend with you is very special to me, and I am thankful you and your daughter is moving in, I am happy I can be in a position to help, even though I need the financial help too, I would give you a place to live even if I didnt need all that.
She wants to know for sure that it is her I want, and not just a relationship before we can be together, and she has to finish licking her wounds from Mark. Honey, I have all the time in the world to wait for a blessing such as you. There is much truth to the statement that good things come to those who wait.
I live to see you smile, laugh, and there is so much joy, and happiness found in that smile. You often leave very little credit for yourself, and I just have to say that you are truly a beautiful person. And I look forward to us teaming up as friends... and maybe one day so much much more.
Have no doubts, you have every quality in a woman I truly desire. Honesty, Integrity, openness to share your thoughts and feelings, independence, and the ability to open your mind to ideas and constructive criticism. And not afraid to give it, and I love that about you. Simple yet complex. And you know who you are and what you want. And if that all wasnt enough, you are so damn pretty... makes my heart jump.
Anyhow... I need sleep all, good night.
PS Hope you and Walter did well at your interviews Lys and Walter. |
|
|
| Life, love, liberty hell and heavan |
[May. 10th, 2005|03:42 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Do I have to say the words-Bryan Adams | ] |
Ok well, I have moved on, let go completely of Lys. Realized She wasnt happy with her, and deep down, though I loathe to admit it, wasnt happy with her. Yes I love her, always will. But when it comes down to the nitty gritty, I was always stressed, angry, depressed, lost, and frustrated. And though over all she made me a happy man because she loved me. I rrealized, love in itself is not enough. I need to be withsome one much more mature, open and communicating for me to be sane. Mind you Lys has come full tilt into womanhood, but she held too many secrets, including her feelings. She has learned alot but still lacks too much discipline, and really doesnt know what she wants out of life.
Maybe our age difference is too great, and maybe I was just too set in my ways. SO many possibilities, and not enough time to focus on finding the right answer. The point is it is over. Her and I are nolonger together and that is how it is going to stay. But I do still want her to be happy and I want her to fulfill her every dream. No, I do not hate her, nor do I wish any ill will towards her. I only want the best for Alyssa. And I realize I don't make her happy. Sometimes I wonder if I ever did. The part that hurts for me is not the fact it is over, and not that she nolonger loves me, or finds happiness in spending time with me, what hurts me most, is that I hurt that innocent and naive young woman when I should have elevated her up on a pedastol.
But then again, who is to say that what we had wasnt good, and that we both didnt gain alot from our short time together. I know i learned alot of who I am, what I want out of life, and what I need to do to get there. And sadly those dreams seem much more achievable without her. FOr everything that we did good for each other, we also held each other back. And that is the biggest reason I think it is over, more importantly, it is why I know I could never get back with her.
No limits right?
Well now more about current events...
Aaran and I seem to get along better each and every day. And I can sense a bond stronger in friendship with her then I ever had with Alyssa and I am not sure how I feel about that. But I think alot of that is the fact I can say anything to her, and she speaks freely to me and there is alot more maturity there. We both know what we want and are willing to work together to get this done. She has her head on her shoulders, is very independant and a very strong woman. She is everything I want in a woman.... and she has the looks to boot. She is moving in with me, shortly after the beginning of the month of June, and I am excited.
For those of you who want to know.... is there a future for me and Aaran, the answer is yes, but we both are going to take it slow and make sure it is each other we want, but we both admitted to each other that we do find each other very attractive to each other, and not by looks alone. And I really think if we do this right, we will be together and that nothing will be able to stand in our way. We both agree communication is the paramount stability of a good healthy relationship.
As for Lys, I hope that one day she can freely open herself up to the man she will end up being with because that is the only way she is ever going to maintain a life long happy and healthy relationship.
Anyhow.. good night i need sleep |
|
|
| The heart wants what the heart CAN have |
[May. 4th, 2005|11:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | ecstatic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Meatloaf - I would do anything for love... | ] |
Well its been a few days, I am sorry for that folks. But I didnt sleep at home last night but at Aarans.
Where do I start? Alyssa has been progressively treating me worse and worse. Unfortunate, and well just makes me glad we are nolonger together. I still refuse to be mean to her or to be spiteful, or vindictive in return. And well frankly, life is too short to let Drama drag you down.
So, I will still be her friend, be there for her if I can, and just live my life. But sometimes I swear she is more like a daughter then an ex girlfriend/current friend. She has the temper tantrums of a spoiled 12 year old and she acts like she has the right to be dignified when she is wrong. On her defense she has been more open to apologize about the way she treats me later on after she has cooled down.
But I realize, you know, I love Lys, but what was it that I loved about her? She was selfish, arrogant, childish, spiteful and very cruel hearted and closed minded. Not a single trait that I admire in anyone. Mainly due to the fact that most people portraying those traits have no love or respect for themselves, but hide behind the belief that you should have respect for yourself, and so tried their best to prove that they did love themselves. But it comes to an answer of 2 reasons... She tried to change so much of how she was for me, because she loved me. And the fact she loved me, was a very large reason why I loved her. And the second reason... was because though I had love for myself, and respect for myself, it wasnt anywhere nearly enough to be considered healthy... and I recognized that in her, and that I felt she needed the love and I was happy to give it. But now the ties are cut... and the smoke has cleared and my sight is clear again, and I am focused on me, I can see that we were completely unhealthy for each other... and contrary to my previous belief, Love by itself is not enough. Yes Love can conquer anything and everything, but there has to be an equal amount of Love and work behind it to make it work.
So, I now realize that it is over completely. I know that I cant get back with Lys, and that I do not want to anymore. I wont say I am perfectly healed and that life is dandy... but I can say that I know though Lys did alot of changing in her life, and that most of it was for me, that she will never change in the ways that would cause me to fall in love with her again. Sadly, I love her, but I am nolonger in love with her. Between these realizations, and the way her true colors have come out lately... in relation to me, I don't want any part of that. I will still be here, I will stil give her the shirt off my back, but I have my heart back, and I wont be giving that back to her. Besides, another has been slowly been wrapping herself around my heart, and I am very thankful for her.
Aaran and I are like two peas in a pod. We laugh at the same things, and even often say the exact same thing at the same time. It is kind of odd. I could completely open myself up to her and tell her my hurts and my pains, and she has been there to comfort me in her own way. When I was sobbing, crying and at my worst of the heartbreak, she has been there as a shoulder to cry on, an ear to hear my words, and a soft gentle voice to let me know that everything was going to be perfectly fine. She is an angel, divine intervention that I do not deserve. And we are talking about having a future now that I am done licking my wounds and the healing has prevailed... though I wont say that Lys didnt leave scars in my life. And apparently, I was just a wasted 2 years of Alyssa's life by her own words. 2 years of heartache and mixed emotions. Whatever... I am sorry Lyssa that you feel that way about me.
Now Aaran... thank you for all that you have done for me, thank you for being there for me. You are truly my friend and I cherish that. And I hope we have a very long close personal friendship, and I hope this sprouts into something much more beautiful and meaningful in both our lives. I am finding myself growing more and more attracted to you on a daily basis... I absolutely adore your little girl... And I look forward to each and every day that I get to spend some time with you... to making you laugh and smile. I am glad I am able to provide with the litttle bit of happiness I do... and I think that as long as we can keep an open level of communications... we will go far together.
The things I love about Aaran.
Open, as in communicates her feeling without apprehension or hesitation.
Gentle and kind. There doesnt seem to be a vindictive or spiteful bone in your body.
Friendly and approachable. Always willing to lend a smile, and an ear.
Attractive and sexy!!! you are very concerned about your health and have alot of pride and respect for yourself.
You have your head on your shoulders and have a very mature mentality and outlook on life, yet not jaded by Life's lessons.
Now everyone, for the record... Last night, May 3rd, 2005, I asked Aaran if we could start dating on a more intimate level, but not currently exclusively, but more informally... and she said yes!!! And I felt like I was floating... swaying in the wind all day today. For the record, we havent even kissed yet.. though I gave her a kiss on her cheek last night. I felt like a high school kid again lol. All nervous and then afterwards giddy. Didnt sleep well last night. I slept on her futon downstairs... while she slept upstairs... only stayed the night because her friend had a problem that required emotional support, and so i stayed at her house to watch over her daughter... and by the time Aaran got home... it was fairly late and I wasnt going to get much sleep anyways, less if I had to wake up completely and go home, as many that know me know once I wake up fully after sleeping a short period of time, I get heartburn and have a hard time falling back asleep.
Anyhow thats it for now folks... have a good night... more updates soon. |
|
|
| bad start to a decent day. |
[May. 2nd, 2005|12:49 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Mudvayne - Happy | ] |
Well I started with Alyssa waking me up at 8:00 AM, Mind you I went to bed at 3 fell asleep around 4... got woke up at 8:00 talked for 30-40 minutes... got heart burn, took a pepcid, fell back asleep about 9:30 AM.... and woke up at 12:34!!! 4 minutes past the time I was supposed to be at my desk working at work. Coach let it slide, but I am on a written warning... this is definitely not a good thing.
Now I got off work at 11:30, went to meet with Aaran and hang out for half hour to hour then come home.... got to her house about midnight... she was already asleep. Oh well. Perhaps she neeeded it. As long as she doesnt blow me off on Thursday... our date night. Taking her and her daughter out to paninos, and having dinner, then if we are done in time, going to a movie... if not I will just have to bring a back up movie as a contingency so we can watch at her place.
Lys cleaned the ferret cage, that was sweet. Office room doesnt smell nearly as bad now.
Now nothing in all that seemed like a good day or decent day.... But here are the reasons why it is a decent day.
1. I am alive still.
2. I still have a good job.
3. I have friends in my life, Alyssa included.... and then there is AARAN!!!
4. I still have my two front teeth. =D
5. Did I mention Steve? He is still my best friend. Which I need to call so goodnight everyone. |
|
|
| Anger management 101 |
[May. 1st, 2005|02:15 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | ecstatic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Mobscene by Marilyn manson | ] |
Ok so the name is misleading. I am not angry, I am actually in a very good mood. Though it saddens me that Alyssa is going to move out, and more then likely I will never see her again, she says I will, and I pray she is right, I am still in a good mood. When she moves out, Aaran and Summer are moving in. The room I am using as an office right now is to become Aaran's room, and the room Walter and Lys are using now, will become Summer's room. And Aaran is going to pay half the bills, works, and doesnt have issues saving money so everything is going to be just fine.
As far as Lys goes.... God Bless her, I will miss her, and I hope that she allows me to remain in her life as a friend, a good friend. If not, then I will get over it, but if she completely forgets about me when she leaves, I dont know that I will be able to forgive her. I think there is a future for her and I, but maybe it is better that there will not be. Mind you I have not closed the book on Lys, I am just being realistic. Besides, there may just be a future for Aaran and I. We like each other alot, we have very similar mentalities when it comes to life, and she has a 2 year old daughter, I just absolutely adore... but I need to spend more time around them both to confirm that. Thursday night after I get off work, Aaran and I have a dinner date followed by the movie theater. Sound exciting? I thought so too. But anyhow.... enough for now, I need to go to sleep. Tata for now ladies and gentlemen. |
|
|
| Well One good thing leads to another |
[Apr. 28th, 2005|04:49 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | complacent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Fall to Pieces by Audioslave | ] |
So I cleaned my room today, Walter helped. Walter is a good guy, if he ends up with Alyssa, I know he will take care of her. I am not saying they are going to be together, but I dont know what to think anymore, other then I know Lys doesnt want me as her life mate.. boyfriend... husbdand or whatever. But thats okay, why? I dont know. But I have accepted it and its time to move on. And I don't know that even if circumstances changed, that I would go back to Alyssa, only because I dont know that I could let myself become so vulnerable again. And it just wouldnt be the same as it was. Not saying I won't, just right now, I don't knopw if a future with Alyssa would ever hold the same value for me as it used to, for all I know it could be a better thing then we had, but I dont know that I could risk it being worse.
They say everything happens for a reason. And perhaps Lys and I getting together for the time that we did, served many great purposes. For her, it brought out alot of growth and maturity. She has grown into an exceptional young woman, and I am very proud of all the things she has accomplished in that growth. For me, it taught me alot of who I was, and where I need to go. And I have alot to accomplish. And I can say now, there are no regrets. I am glad that we were together, and I will always have a very warm and fond spot in my heart for Alyssa. I hold no anger towards her and definitely no ill will.
And there is a new friend in my life, I have discussed her before, Aaran. And her and I get along very well, and I think there might be a future there, just not now. I need to fully get over Alyssa first. Last thing I need is to hurt another person while I am still under the throws of depression, sadness and mourning for Alyssa. By no means am I straight in the head right now about what I went through, but, eventually and probably sooner then I think, I will be ready to move on and find someone to be with, and Aaran might just be that person. That is if she will have me. She already admits that she thinks the world of me, and really loves spending time with me, and we may just become roommates.
Yes as soon as I know Alyssa and Walter can afford the bills here, besides the Mortgage, since I am still paying for that, as it is my home, I am going to move out with Aaran... as a roommate... and friend. Nothing more, at least for now. And give Alyssa complete and utter space from me. If down the road, Alyssa wants to try to work things out, depending on how I feel at that juncture, I will more then likely be ready to try and willing to try. But again, I am not going to wait a year for her to decide that.
Anyhow local current events.... I went into work, and got Taylor's#, he is the guy selling me the blazer this friday, and I had to make arrangements so we can hook up and get that arranged. And while i was there I ran into Aaran, and I offered to cook her dinner, I made chicken mushroom marsala. She loved it. We hung out and we talked, and we talked and we talked. And I have to thank the Lord for her as a Godsend. She is an easy listener, and she is very kind to me. We have alot in common, and we are able to just open up and talk. I feel a very strong connection to her and she says she feels the same towards me. As friends. And so I am glad I met her, because right now I need a friend more then anything. Someone to talk to and vent to. God Bless you Aaran.
Anyhow I need to get to sleep. See you all later. |
|
|
| Always the smart ass |
[Apr. 27th, 2005|03:00 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | No Music | ] |
Lys, you need to learn how to communicate. Talking shit is not the way to motivate someone. I am out there helping get the kennel up. And we arent building a fence. making statements like... "atleast I will be clipping it correctly, isnt how you go about it. Thats how you want it... cool then say hey can we do it this way? Yes I walked off. Lys, I am still an emotional wreck about us, and degradation is not something I need from you, not when we were together, not while we are apart, not ever.
I dont know what to say or do or think anymore, no matter what I say, what I do, all I get is a "I am sorry" from you. I say I love you, and you say "I am sorry" What the fuck is that? Dont want me to love you? Dont want me feeling the way I do about you? Why the fuck did we even get together? What was I to you? A tool? Something to progress your maturity, then once I have served my purpose.... something to toss away?
I am clueless as to what I should believe, and the only feeling I possess now is hurt and sadness. I mean 2 days after we break up, you bring up the idea that I should try to work things out with Donna!! What the fuck is that? I am over you now... go find someone else? Do you even have the slightest bit of concern of what I am going through? My whole world is upside down... and you seem to be rolling with the punches and hanging tough like a champ. I admire it, but it somehow hurts me that much more.
I guess what I cant understand, and what fails to come to the reason of light.... is what is it that I did that was so wrong that we have to be this way to each other. I have only loved you, been there for you when you needed it, and made every action I have that was an important one, for the sake of loving you. Did I love you too much? Do I make you feel smothered? The only time I gave you space, is when we got in arguments that pissed me off. But I never stopped loving you. I never stopped standing by you. And I have never wished ill will towards you.
What caused you to stop loving me? What caused you to stop wanting to be around me? What did I do to push you away? Its so hard for me to go on, not knowing what it is that made you push me out of your heart. I am lost Lys, and you were my only guiding light. It was you that made me happy to wake up every morning. It was you that filled me with the enjoyment that everyday I went to work, was a good day... and made it so everyday I came home, I was happy to come home. YOU WERE WHO I BOUGHT THIS MOBILE HOME FOR.
Now you just came to the room, and apologised to me for the way you treated me outside. That actually meant alot to me. Rarely have I heard those words for you over something like this. Usually you do something wrong... and there would be no apology. And that was that.
Lys you have grown up so much, and you have done so many things to make me proud of you. And alot of those things you have done, while we were together and I know alot of it was to make me happy. And Lys you have made me so happy... There has never been a girl in my life who has taken so much effort to change to please me. And I think that is what hurts me most, is the fact that I was too stupid to appreciate what it was that we had. And perhaps that I didnt change enough for you.
I am just still hurting more then I like to admit. And I just want to be near you, touch you, love you... and I cant do that anymore. Being forced to be away from you is a hell. And one that I can endure, but it is only getting a touch easier each day, but not dramatically enough to always hold a grin on my face.
I love you Lys.. and I want your love back... even if as friends, I still want your love. And I want to hear you tell me everything will be alright, for better or worse, that we will always be friends, and my biggest dream, is that one day you will allow me back in your heart as more then a friend. Whether that will happen or not, is the trick... a question of time.
Anyhow... I will write more later. |
|
|
| Another one bits the dust |
[Apr. 27th, 2005|03:58 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | cold | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Prayer by Disturbed | ] |
Well, another night goes by, and still things are stable, yet disappointing.
So we all have heard about my new friend Aaran. Well last night we were supposed to go play pool, and maybe me make dinner. Well, I called 3 or 4 times throughout the day. She never answered her phone, nor did she return any of the messages... So... I will play it by ear, and let her be the one to contact me from here. I am not into bothering people, nor do I want her to think that my day revolves around her. She is a vwery nice person, and we have alot of stuff in common, but I am just pursuing a friendship here. I love Lyssa too much to be trying for anything else. So I dont want her to think I am harassing her to get into a relationship.
Still it is kind of depressing when you wait all day for a call, so you can get out of the house and just be free from all the local oppression. Alyssa is the love of my life, but she doesnt love me anymore, not the way I want her too. I can see that now. Maybe it will change back into my favor, but I am not going to hold my breath. I dont understand how she could have gotten so cold to me, but hey, maybe I truly was just a stepping stone in her life and she got everything out of me she needed, and now it is time for her to move on. If so, yeah it hurts, but I will get over it, though I do like to think that I was more to her then just an evolutionary experiment.
She is being kind to me, and I am very appreciative of that, atleast she isnt trying to fuck me over. Though I am also on the suspicion that they are thinking of moving out when they can afford to. Again it is only a suspicion, so I am leaving it hush hush for now. But if she does... move out without warning me, then I will know that I was the emotional step to maturity, and now that she has a full grasp of what lies out there for her responsibility wise... then so be it, I am not sure I will forgive her for that though if that is the case. Though as much as I love her, I would still do anything for her.
Sadly, I think it is very obvious, that I am meant to grow up to be a lonely, friendless old man. Because all those I care about eventually pack up and move on, and forget about me. I work my ass off to make friends, to please those I love, and then in the end, watch them move on to greener pastures. Yet I continue to try, and I ontinue to work towards something solid and stable. And for all my effort, I continuously get walked on and forgotten about. And yet I am expected to continue fighting for that end, to try and find some level of happiness. And I shall continue to fight for it... but I have to say, it is getting harder and harder, every day I wake up is just another struggle for that solution. I don't know what else to say or do.
Alyssa, you own my heart, and its not something you can just give back.... Love is strange that way. And I obviously do not have possession of your heart, but if I did, and you wanted it back I would freely give it to you. I know you dont want a future with me anymore. That was obvious when you couldnt answer that you do when I asked. Otherwise you would have something more then just, I want to heal. heal... you werent hurt... you decided it was over, and yet I dont even know that you even know why you decided it was over completely. I have made up alot of theories, and alot of possibilities , but you have never EVER gave insight to them, nor did you confirm any reasons at all. But its ok, I realized if I tried and worried and focused all on finding out why, I would only go insane. But its ok. Trth be told, your happiness matters more to me then my own inquisitiveness. You know how I feel about you and thats enough for me.
Anyhow I am now just rehashing, and I dont feel like doing that anymore tonight.
Lys, have a good day at wqork, you just left not too horribly long ago...
Aaran, I hope everything is ok. A phone call would be nice, totally leaving someone in the dark is unnerving, but your welfare is my concern for now. For the rest of you that like me, peace out
For those of you who dont like me? Fuck off. |
|
|
| Well A new day ended, time for another. |
[Apr. 24th, 2005|01:09 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | exhausted | ] |
| [ | music |
| | I'll Be there for you by Bon Jovi | ] |
Well man I am burned out, but I gotta keep going, need to get myself out of debt, need to get on my feet, and I need to prove to myself I can make it. So like a jackass I signed up for 21 more hours of overtime next week. And I am going to sign up for more the next week as well so that I can keep getting in huge paychecks until I am so far ahead of myself I wont know what to do with all the money =D.
Life can be cruel sometimes, but we pay so much attention to all that goes bad in our lives, we rarely stand up and applaud the good, or celebrate in the blessings we do have, take the good things for granted. And when all is said and done, we miss out on alot of happiness due to our stubborn ways of focusing on the unhappy times. Which, I have decided to be a non conformist in this matter. I am going to be happy for everything that is good, and take all the bad things for granted. Wierd mentality right? Well I have tried it for a couple of days and I am in a damn good mood. You should try it sometime. If you are able to.
Anyhow... Life is great, could be grand if a certain love of my life, thought me to be the love of her life as well. But hey she is spending some time with me, and laughing and joking and stuff with me, which is a large improvement then recently behaved mentalities from her. So she is letting herself become comfortable around me again, and that is a very positive sign. Anyhow, peace out all... Not much of interest today unless you consider my tooth ache interesting... take care till next post. |
|
|
| Promise of hope. |
[Apr. 23rd, 2005|12:52 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Nothing off hand. | ] |
Friendship, some would say they are your truest sign of wealth. And I have to agree, but say it is ann understatement.
Alyssa came in the room and we talked. She actually gave me the time of the day. And she allowed me to speak to her about us. About the past, and about the future. Mind you nothing has changed, we are still apart, and we are still just friends. But she is coming out of her shell. She is actually giving me some time with her, alone. And I am going to make damn sure I dont fuck it up. And I asked her, if next tuesday or wednesday, if I could take her out to eat after work, and she said yes. She said YES!!!!... well ok, so she said she doesnt see any problems with that, but with Lys, That is a yes.
I told her that when and IF, I emphasized if, we get back together, I wont be able to do it if she wont be able to promise me that she will bring up concerns in the future about our relationship. I clarified to her what I mean by that, that I dont expect her to promise that we wont break up again. But that she will atleast try to express concerns before the problem becomes so escalated that it is over before I realize I have been dumped.
I also told her a very true, and very heartfelt statement, that when we get back together, the first moment I am confident it is for good, I am going to be dropping down on bended knee, and proposing to her. And I told her I felt like I was searching for her, my whole life, and I just found her.... and if I get a second chance, I am not letting go. And that everyday I am going to celebrate in our love and relationship with her.
She didnt run away.
Now, I am reigning in my heart on this too. Because right now it is only rhetoric. I cant celebrate it until its factual. And still I am keeping the mindset that it is over, and that everything I do now, I do for me.
Anyhow, always remember, everyday is a bright new day, and that you have to celebrate for everything that you have, and dont dwell on what you dont have, because if you dwell on what you dont have.... someone might just take aaway the things you do have.
God bless and be well everyone. |
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lostinlys's journal